


will you still love me

by jjaeniel



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, im sorry, this isnt happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-06-09
Packaged: 2019-05-20 05:48:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14888792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjaeniel/pseuds/jjaeniel
Summary: “what does it feel like?” daniel asks, hand moving across the grass, closer to seongwu’s own.“what does what feel like?” seongwu replies, staring up at the stars.“love,” daniel says.





	will you still love me

**Author's Note:**

> sooo i wrote this in like 8 hours after thinking of a single sentence ... it be like that sometimes

“what does it feel like?” daniel asks, hand moving across the grass, closer to seongwu’s own. 

“what does what feel like?” seongwu replies, staring up at the stars.

“love,” daniel says soft and careful, like the word itself will make him feel something he’s never felt before, never been _allowed_ to feel by society itself. 

“love,” seongwu echos. “love is probably the most physical emotion, y’know? when you really feel it, when you really get into it and love someone, you can _feel_ your chest tighten, your heart start to race like crazy. your body… your body gets light and your stomach gets all fuzzy and fluttery, its crazy. the best part? no one even knows its happening, because it’s all in your emotions, all inside. then, when you’re finally _with_ the person you love, god it’s the best thing in the world, niel. it's like being in another world sometimes, the light and fuzzy feeling that accompanies you taking you somewhere better and more enjoyable than here. that’s why it’s so heartbreaking when you stop feeling it, when things go wrong and everything crumples at your feet.”

making a soft noise, daniel asks, “hyung, who do you feel that for?” voice still careful, like he’s scared to overstep boundaries.

letting out a sigh, seongwu reaches over to finally hold daniel’s hand, squeezing softly. blinking hard and turning his head so he’s looking directly at daniel, he smiles sadly.

“it’s you, niel.” seongwu practically whispers, an emotion daniel doesn’t know written across the elder’s face.

—

they start dating soon after that. 

while daniel can’t _feel_ , he certainly likes seongwu’s company, his presence, being around him. 

and seongwu, seongwu is head over heels in love. he’s never been so _happy_ , so content with his life. 

it's a tuesday when daniel drops a bomb on seongwu’s perfect bubble. 

“hyung, i think i want to go off the medicine,” daniel says over a study date. they’re at a coffee shop downtown, a small one that’s barely getting by. it’s the pair’s favorite, them frequenting it almost daily.

“huh?” seongwu says, head whipping up to stare at daniel with wide eyes. “you want to _what?_ ”

“go off the medicine. i want to feel things like you, hyung,” daniel says matter of factly, in the emotionless way seongwu is used to by now. 

“you- you can’t just _go off_ of it, daniel. you have to do it slowly, go through therapy, learn to live as a whole different person. you know that, right?” seongwu replies, mouth twisting up in that funny way daniel has learned to identify as seongwu being _unhappy_. 

“do you not want me to feel things? know what love is for real?” daniel says back, mouth taking on the same shape as seongwu’s unconsciously. while he cant feel unhappy, he can still adopt the mannerisms of the emotion.

“baby, of _course_ i do,” seongwu reassured, “i want you to feel everything there is to feel. I just need you to know not all of it is pleasant. you’re probably gonna hate it a lot. i’m just worried for you.”

“let me decide if i’ll hate it then,” daniel says flatly. it was amazing how seongwu could almost figure out the emotion daniel would have in the moment, how he knew when daniel would be ecstatic or angry at him. 

in a way, daniel not being able to feel those emotions made it easier for seongwu. made it easier to be around him, to talk with him, to do anything with him. 

seongwu wouldn’t know where he stood if suddenly daniel started to feel all the things he so intimately knew, unlike the majority of society. 

would daniel even still like him? seongwu was, truthfully, terrified. 

—

it started with skipping one dose. then two, three, four, until it had been two weeks. 

daniel was a wreck.

he didn’t know how to process anything, couldn’t match the name of emotions to what he was feeling, couldn’t _function_. he stayed at home most days, spending it cycling through a whirlwind of emotions he had never been allowed to feel before. 

he swore off emotion therapy, convinced he could deal with everything himself. he _hated_ admitting he was wrong, even more so than he hated breaking down crying at 3am for seemingly no reason, seongwu having to rub his back and shush him down from something the elder called a “panic attack.” 

daniel was, at the bare minimum, extremely confused. nothing made sense anymore, he didn’t know anything he was feeling, and he didn’t know how to react to _anything_.

seongwu tried, he really did. he tried to explain emotions to daniel, he tried to get him to feel the right things at the right times, tried to help him through all his struggles. 

in the end, it was too much. it was always meant to be too much, daniel thought. 

he didn’t know where he stood with seongwu, if he could go back on his government issued medicine, if seongwu would be _okay_ with that. in the end, he did it without telling the elder. he would find out eventually, daniel knew. of course he would. going from overly, almost manically emotional, to absolutely nothing would raise the red flags. 

it took a week for seongwu to catch him taking it. 

“why didn’t you just _tell_ me, daniel?” seongwoo said, voice taking on a tone daniel now recognized as _anger_. 

“please don’t be mad,” daniel pleaded, feeling an uncomfortable feeling bubble up in his chest. 

“i- i’m not mad, niel,” seongwu said, taking a deep breath. “i’m disappointed you felt you had to go behind my back to start taking your medicine again.”

“i’m sorry,” daniel replied, knowing if he wasn’t on his medicine he’d be crying by now. while he learned off it he was a very happy person, he was also _extremely_ sensitive, crying at the drop of a hat. he wasn’t sure if that was normal for him or a side effect of never feeling _anything_ , but regardless, he hated it. 

“honey,” seongwu said softly, moving closer to where daniel was cradling one tiny pill in his large hand. “you can take it, it’s okay.”

“hyung, i never felt love. i never got to feel love,” daniel says, looking desperate. “i want to know.”

this has seongwu’s heart breaking, tears welling up in his eyes. everything was so _unfair_ , the government was unfair for making everyone go through this, for making this the new _normal_. 

seongwu hated seeing daniel so desperate to feel something, but so terrified to try again. 

in the end, daniel started taking half a pill. enough to feel a little, but not as intense as before. daniel was happy with this. 

seongwu, on the other hand, was conflicted. he was happy daniel was happy, but he was worried for daniel’s safety. throughout this entire thing daniel _refused_ to go to the doctor and talk to them about this, thinking that research on the internet was enough for him. 

he hoped everything would end up okay. 

—

it was around week three when seongwu started to notice the change. the subtle ways daniel would pull away from him, the _“no thanks, hyung, i’m really tired,”_ he got every time he asked daniel to do something with him. 

it took another week for seongwu to muster up the courage and ask daniel what was going on. 

“niel… what’s wrong lately?” seongwu says one day after dinner, the pair sitting far apart on the couch, barely paying attention to what was on tv. 

“nothing, hyung,” daniel says, giving seongwu his best reassuring smile. it looks fake. daniel knows it, seongwu knows it. 

“don’t bullshit, daniel” seongwu snaps, feeling fed up and annoyed. “you _know_ you can talk to me about anything, and you always have. what’s different now?”

“i- nothing’s _wrong_ ,” daniel insists, feeling small amounts of panic bubble up in his chest. “i promise.”

at this, seongwu scoffs. “you _promise_? how do you explain all the times you’ve ditched me the past few weeks, all the times you’ve pulled away from something as simple as a _hug_ , daniel?”

looking at seongwu with a mixture of pain and desperation on his face, daniel reaches out to grab one of seongwu’s hands. 

“i don’t think i can love you,” is all he says, staring straight ahead. he doesn't move his hand from where its gripping seongwu’s, doesn’t move at all. 

seongwu feels his earth start to shatter. he wasn’t expecting daniel to say _that_ , wasn’t expecting any of this. 

“you- what?” seongwu says dumbly, moving his head so he can stare directly at daniel. he vaguely feels like he’s outside himself, watching in on a scene in a movie. but this _isn’t_ a movie, this is real, and seongwu feels his heart constrict in his chest. 

“i said, i don't think i can-“

“i know what you said,” seongwu says sharply. then, desperately, “i want you to _explain_.”

“hyung- i tried everything. i really did. nothing felt like what you described,” daniel replies, voice going soft and… guilty? 

letting out a heavy sigh, one that sounds like the weight of the world is on seongwu’s shoulders, the elder responds with a, _“so, what now?”_ he holds back his tears for another time, later, when he’s alone.

“we could- we could be friends? or something,” daniel practically whispers. 

“friends or something,” seongwu echos just as quietly, feeling hollow. 

—

it takes two weeks for daniel to move out of their shared apartment, the pair having to go through each and every room and untangle their life together. 

they hang out a few times after that, daniel trying his best to uplift seongwu in any way he can. he _gets_ it now, gets sadness. he doesn’t want seongwu feeling like that. he might not _love_ him, but he cares about him a lot.

and seongwu tries, he really does. he tries to be friends with daniel, tries to be happy, tries to continue life normally. 

in the end, he can’t. he feels too _much_. he misses daniel _all the time_ , he can’t focus, it feels like his heart is breaking _constantly_. 

it’s a week later he starts the same medication the rest of society is on.

**Author's Note:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/nwnist)   
>  [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/nwnist)


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